3
Okt
2010

Falling

Middle of the night. Heavy rain pouring down. Lightning striking in the distance. Thick black clouds hiding the moon. Hard to see anything in this darkness. My clothes are getting wetter and wetter, but I don't mind. I hardly notice. I know this place. came here often. Could find my way around here blindfolded. I don't mind the darkness. It is kind of soothing, embracing, even a little comforting.

I came here often alone. But now he is with me this night. This strange man who keeps telling me strange stories of sunrises and hope. Who tells me of things going to be OK. If only he knew about me. About the thoughts that haunt me. About this darkness in me. We are at this bridge. Spanning wide over the valley. In the heavy rain I cannot see the ground below. Cannot see either end. Like being lost on an never ending bridge spanning from eternity to infinity. Spanning above nothingness.

He tells me of trust. Of his trust in me. But he doesn't know of this pull rising up from the nothingness below. Gently taking hold of me. Whispering to me to join the Nothingness. We stopped our walk. I am standing at the edge of wide bridge. Looking down. Feeling it pulling me down, feeling it in every bone. No shaking in my legs. Not even fear anymore. Just this longing for the below, this longing for relieve.

He tells me he believes in me. I am starting to lean over. staring into the below. I am expecting him to stop me. to pull me back. But he isn't He just is there besides me. Is he crazy? All this talk and then he will let me jump? I climb over the railing, holding on to it from the other side. He is touching my hands. No tight grip to hold me, to pull me back. Only this very gentle touch, and looking at me, smiling, looking right into my eyes.

We stood there for a long time. Finally, I let go. Let me fall down. For a moment I was falling with the rain, no more drops hitting me, as if it had stopped. The ground would come soon and end it all. There is no water in the valley; it will be a hard landing ending it for good.

But the landing was soft. Comforting. It took a while for me to realize I had landed on this giant air cushion. Like the ones stunt men use. He put one there. Steered me to just the right point of the bridge. Started crying. Soon he was with me, held me. I went on crying and crying. He carried me to this little hut nearby, lit a small fire in its center. I curled up inside some blankets, still wet but warm.

At sunrise all my darkness was gone. I saw the sun rising right through the open door of the hut, but it was more like it rose inside me, filled me with light. Went out. Before I knew I had started dancing in the dew-drop filled grass.

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